thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
Tell me about it. Running across highways take alot outta ya. When he found out, he was all "concerned" about it.
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
Can someone explain to me why guys are so fascinated w their dicks that they feel like they'll die if they don't send unsolicited dick pics
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
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