I woke up, not remembering how or when or why i was even there and looked over to find Steph spooning with an adult black man.
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
Randomize
