Ooooh. That's not a mole. Uncomfortable.
i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
go for it girl, the world is ur dick oyster
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
Randomize
