he puts the penis in happiness.
you would pick up someone in the library
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
I have two girls sleeping in my bed naked and I ended up making it to class, what were you saying about staying in on the weekdays?
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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