I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
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