Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
I think I've done enough damage with my vagina as of late, thank you
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
I'm sorry but it's something you and your A cups wouldn't understand.
Randomize
