One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
Just took my morning after pill in the library
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Randomize
