Just looked in the bathroom mirror before getting to this exam to see If I look as bad as I feel & the answer is no. I look amazing, even in yesterday's clothes
At Bonnaroo. Just saw a couple emerge from a port-a-potty. Romantic?
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
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