There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
DIN'T JUSGE NE.
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
My roommate just walked in on him eating me out ..happy finals week right?
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
If its not for food we ain't going out.
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
Randomize
