yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
She came to college a virgin and left on court order. We ruined her.
I feel like I have streams of color and coldness wrapping around my body.
we did shots in class this morning as part of a presentation. WHY AM I LEAVING THIS COUNTRY?!
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
Randomize
