Billy Mays died!
I know. And the US is beating brazil...what's wrong with the world?
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
So how was it?
The cemetery or the sex?
Randomize
