if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
