Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
Your stories are the best. I feel like you're a spy among the heteros. It's not fair.
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
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