things it involved: vodka, boy parts, possible photos of me on a cell phone. things it did NOT involve last night: my bra, his pants, and sobriety.
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
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