Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
Randomize
