"Monday" is guna come over...
but its Thursday?
yeah, but she cant make it.Monday can...so there ya go
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
Randomize
