If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
and im sitting here waiting for them to work on my car. in a room full of men. that are too old for me. its like a sausage fest nightmare...
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
just found a joint on the street in downtown. smoked it with the hot guy from my chem class
WHAT IS UP WITH YOU SMOKING/ DRINKING THINGS OFF THE GROUND?
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
Randomize
