I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
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