I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
we can't become the bulimic house in the complex dude. Besides, you need teeth for your career.
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
crossed #23 off the Slucket List!
YOU JUST MADE YOUR SLUCKET LIST THIS MORNING.
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
Randomize
