OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
The money shot is kinda like the "The End" part of a children's book isn't it?
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
He looks like the kind of guy that would jack off to weird things.
Basically, what i'm trying to say is, if you don't have something, excuse or gift, to satisfy my anger i am going to look you in the eye and piss on the floor.
I just laughed at the word pudding. I have no idea whats going on right now.
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
Randomize
