She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
its time to go be "that drunk guy nobody knows"....again.
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
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