next time dont tell jokes :) miss bonerkill
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
Come to the roof. We are drinking breakfast.
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
Randomize
