I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
did you know delaware is a STATE? HOLY CRAP! i didn't till i was hitting on this chick and asked her when she said she was from delaware, which state that was in. crazyness
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
Randomize
