batman tramp stamp. Dibs.
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
Is it bad that we're talking like nothing happened?
Ah. Blossoming love after wild blackout drunk sex.
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
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