I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
Well It's time to grow up anyways, right? Now that you're graduated and have a job you can't drink uncontrollably
No. Now that I'm graduated I can drink uncontrollably at nicer bars
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
I'm not big on drama but you need to put your pants on and leave.
Randomize
