you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
ur not supposed to find someone to make out with when ur bf takes u to his SISTERS house to hang out with her and her husband
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
How much have you had to drink?
Qhaghao Oslo?
That seems like quite a lot.
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
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