i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
It all started with a game of naked twister.
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
Randomize
