My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
i mean, not my actual scene but if someone says "PARTY" ill figure it out
The milf did the body paint, come to the bar
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
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