I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
you told grandpa to call you daddy
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
In other news, I had my first sex related injury of the school year so that's cool
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
Randomize
