Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
After I talked about my ex for about twenty minutes, she just listened, sluts are so understanding
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
I feel like everything in this room is sweating
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
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