sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
I think the threesome was inevitable when she walked out in nothing but his boxers followed by him completely naked.
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
We need a rematch, I think my pussy was on vacation the other night.
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
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