I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
She said "I only hook up with guys I'm dating"
So... What happend then?
We dated for an hour, i broke up with her after. BOOM.
you asked "if this appropriate to take the the bathroom?" while holding up a bottle of vodka when you went to pee.
There was blood everywhere. She was pretty good looking person though.
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
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