i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
Just saw a man in a wheel chair using his feet to push himself backwards through a crosswalk... good morning Atlanta
Can we reminisce? I held a mans penis while he peed. This is the craziest night I've ever had.
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
how drunk are you?
Several
Randomize
