i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
Hm. I declare blue a flavor.
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Randomize
