Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
Druken naked yoga : jus another ploy to keep your husbands eye in check
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
The object of the game was to pour tequila into a sombrero and drink as much as you can before it leaked through, 'Big Papi' won.
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
Randomize