planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
you went around and groping mens pants to see "which was worthy" of you to go home with.
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
New hot neighbor boys moving in across from us...So i did the logical thing and bought two 30 packs up the hill and walked right by em. Consider the line hooked and ready to reel.
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
Well I either feel like the fat girl or very accomplished because his bed is now broken in three places
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
Randomize
