I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
I feel like death gave me a hand job
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
Randomize
