Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
Ya well my good-girl image was pretty much blown when he found out I'm going to jail soon.
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
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