still haven't packed clothes. only wine. gotta love spring break
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
I'm so glad we both made out with him though. I feel like that really brought us together
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
