But if ***** wants to get filthy... Tell her to throw a text my way ;)
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
Is it sad that when she told me he has a small peen I felt like it made us more compatible?
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
Randomize
