I am the poster child for what not to do during sex. Soon they will be calling an undesired position after me
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
My adult sexuality and some of the best memories of my childhood collided like a Pee Wee Herman wet dream.
Elaborate
Strip Mario-Kart
He took a picture with a naked dude. I think he just walked out of that deep ginger closet.
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
Randomize
