Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
I think I've lost the thrill of being a slut. It's just that the newness has worn off, I think.
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
I dont care if he cant spell. Illiterate people need blowjobs too
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
Uhmm, it's called hentai.
I DON'T CARE WHAT IT'S CALLED I DON'T WANT TO SEE IT ON MY WORK COMPUTER
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
Randomize
