Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
I'd rather say I'm a whore then admit it's his child. Its that bad.
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
Bahahah I should. I’m the free range drunk girl who should clearly not be free range because who knows what kind of fuckery I would get into
Randomize