sometimes i wish i could find another girl that loves my dick as much as she does
i feel like she has dreams of it being like a person saying hey lets go play
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
I am the murdurer of this scooby doo episode
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
no we just smoked too much weed and listened to the tarzan soundtrack. phil collins is amazing
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
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