The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
honestly if there were pictures of last night i would be embarrassed.... im embarrassed without pictures
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