I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
What happens at the gay bar stays at the gay bar. Except that I sold my panties for $100. People should know that.
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
I just made out with Ricky Ullman of Phil of the Future fame and I don't know what I'm doing anymore. Help.
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
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