Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
After it was shut down sean literally made out with four separate girls between the 100 feet to our house. It was a rampage.
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
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