Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
Annd you probably wouldn't of fallen down the stairs if you didn't insist on taking 'finale shots'
Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize