On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
So apparently they remodeled our middle school. Looks like we'll need to find a new roof to play beer pong on this summer.
Just introduced myself to a group of people and one dude said "You're Marc!? I've heard many a legend of you." I raised bottle of champagne, said cheers, and drank with them.
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
The streets are paved with hand jobs
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