Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
It's summer and yet I still can't have one library session w/o seeing someone who has had their penis in me.
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
The power of my boobs compel you
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
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