Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
I am going to be the most sexually active ladybug that he has ever seen
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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