He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
The girl here has a popped collar. Can I slap her?
Yes. For all mankind please do.
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
please visit steve this weekend, he is getting mature and responsible and shit which scares me.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
I can't! Its just like the night that I bathed you, I didn't tell anyone.
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
Randomize
