You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
i jus got home and totaly forgot i had nut all over the back of my shirt
..im mad u rememberd about that
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
while you laid on the ground I poured water into your mouth out of dog bowl some random guy walks by and said now that's what I like to see.
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
Randomize