I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
So i literally just wrote sorry on my quiz and turned it in.
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
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