So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
she just punched a dude and called him a peasant for not drinking fast enough in flip cup.
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
Star Wars means nothing to me. I know only the basics. Darth is Luke's father. R2 is short, C3 is gold. Yoda sings Rainbow Connection. The kinda stuff EVERYONE knows.
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
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