He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
No, I know her type. Tall, lanky, uses teeth when giving head, and runs like a giraffe. Don't do it man..
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
Randomize
