I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
I say this out of love and friendship. Eat ice cream not the d.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
The bouncer said the club was at capacity we couldnt get in till ppl left all three of them pulled their tits out we got complimentary bottle service never under estimate women
Randomize
