i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
So your brother is gay after all... Just caught him making out with my brother... Apparently he's gay too
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
Randomize