i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
My vagina is officially offended.
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
Randomize
