So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
splinters make it hard to masturbate
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
Actually we have similar relationship styles aka no relationship... it could work
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
Randomize
