you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
Would we rather be in rehab with the drug addicts or the girls with low self esteem?
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
Dude squirt doesnt even begin to describe it i thought she was the lost portal to atlantis with how much she let out
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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