if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
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