His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
it hurts more in the daytime
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
It was platonic naked porno viewing, I swear.
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