If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
He woke me up for a 10am bootycall. he was already drunk when he got here and when we were fucking, bagpipes started playing amazing grace outside of my window!! I love Boston on st. Patties day!!
It took too long for people to come up with things in "never have i ever" so we had to change it to "Don't judge me but.."
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
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