Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
WHAT GOOD IS APPRECIATING IF NOBODY'S NAKED
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
Get to the bar now. Ryan is single again and every skank on campus that has heard story about his dick is circling like a shark. A cock hungry shark
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
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