Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
yeah bitch needs to recognize there's only one person with this face
today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
My only expectation is honesty. And three orgasms every time.
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
Randomize
