The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
that was a gay-test. you passed.
with flying rainbow colors i hope!
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
Randomize
