life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
omg. don't know how to spell his name, but hot new zealand guy's dick is magic
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
three guys with a tattoo of the Walmart rollback smiley holding up a middle finger on their ass=free drinks in every bar
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
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